Thomas Kobelsky's Blog

May 18, 2010

What an epic night that started off like any other boring night: Getting off work Sunday at 8pm, I had 3 things to accomplish tonight. Who would have known it would take me travelling all over the lower mainland, have me invent a super unhealthy snack, and finally cause me to look back and think "That totally wasn't worth it."

To start this epic tale off, there's a small bit of backstory attached: I've always wanted to try making poutine at home.
We are now able to start the story.
During work, I was asked to cut some fresh lamb loin chops. In doing so, I had to trim off some fat from the edges to make them look more appealing. Now, since we usually just toss the fat out, I decided that tonight was the night to finally make the poutine. I grabbed a bag, wrapped up the fat and threw it in the cooler for when I got off work.

Skip ahead a couple hours to when I get off work: I grab the fat and go change out of my uniform. I'm expecting a call right around 8-ish from the Miss, so I hang around not wanting to get too far away from the common meeting area, incase she decides to meet in person.
Anyways, we meet up and I say "Let's go to HMV to take advantage of that awesome 'Buy 2, Get 1 Free' book sale going on there" and off we went. As soon as I walked in, I had my first book chosen: Bram Stoker's Dracula. After wandering around a bit, I found Psychic Confusion: The Sonic Youth Story. "Hey, that'd go nicely sitting beside Never Enough: The Story of The Cure that I have at home" and grabbed it.
Roughly 20 minutes later, the Miss finally decides on something (Marilyn Monroe notecards) and we book it out of there (pardon the poorly placed pun) and towards the Skytrain station.

Now, to understand my logic here, I have to explain a couple things: For the last 3 days, Save-On has had a sale going on, Prime Rib for $4.99/lb. Ya, crazy, right? Well, me and Kevin (my boss) were planning on picking some up, so he was calling around to all the stores trying to find some. The only place that had any was out in New West. And this was at 2pm.

/Resume

I jump on the Skytrain with the Miss in tow, and I head out to New West to get me some Prime Rib. We get to New West and the Miss has to depart to get back downtown at a certain time, so we bid eachother adieu and go our separate ways. I quickly text the Bus Stop to see when the next 106 is, and it's not for another 20 minutes.
"Bah, I can walk there in 15." I think to myself and head out up the hill to the Save-On.
25 minutes later, I'm 3/4s of the way there, and the bus flies past me up the hill like it's the Anti-Gravity Cat or something.
"Meh, I'm getting some nice excercise doing this." I tell myself in order to gain a false sense of self-respect. In hindsight, I was an idiot, since there was a Bus Stop literally 20 feet behind me at that point.
I finally get to the top of the hill and see the Save-On sign beckoning me in though it's doors.
Straight to the Meat section I go, not even bothering to look at the two year old kid throwing up all over the bananas as his mother is looking at apples. Ok, I totally stopped and stared... and laughed.

Wait a tick. There's no Prime Rib here.

... Uhh...

I look around for an employee so that I can call a manager over to talk to them. I just happen to get the insecure girl from the Bakery who starts crying because she thinks I'm calling a manager over on account of her performance.
"Screw this, I'm outta here." I think to myself. "I'll just go to the Metrotown one, see if they have any, then talk to the Manager there to get a rain-cheque for it."
Luckily I catch a bus back to the New West Skytrain station, but it's still a 15-ish minute ride to Metrotown. I remember that I've been carrying around two new books, as well as the lamb fat in the bag with the books, so I pull out the Sonic Youth Story and skim the first page.

Before I know it, I'm 3 pages in and I hear "The next station is Metrotown" over the speaker.
Awesome.
I scuttle my way over to the Save-On and make a B-Line straight for the Meats section.
Nothing.
No problem, I have a plan.
Mr. Deli Person, I appologize for demanding you to call the Operations Manager over.
I also appologize for mumbling nonsensical rambles riddled with profanity during my wait.

"Hello Pavull."
"It's Pah-velle"
"Sure it is. Hey, uhm, awkward moment here, but I've been running all over this city looking for some of those Prime Ribs you have in your flier --"
"Ya, I'll just write you a raincheque for them --"
"I mean, I'm coming here from Downtown, and I was just out in the New West Save-On, and they were all out, and now here too --"
"Ya, I'll just write you a raincheque for them --"
"And I was just really hoping for -- wait... Really? Ok, cool. Because like, it's such a great deal and all --"
"Ya, I know, right? I bought four of them earlier --"
"What the hell?! No wonder you're all sold out here! Jeez... --"
"Don't worry, I'm writing you a raincheque for them. They're so good... like, I built my own BBQ, and they're just so good in there --"
"Woah, wait, what? You BUILT your own BBQ? Nice!"
"Ya, it does ok... the first time I lit it up though, the damn lid exploded off because I forgot to put an on/off valve in there."
"... You're lucky the tank didn't explode too."
"Why would the tank explode? The propane flows OUT of the tank, there's no way the fire can get IN there..."
"Uhh.... ya, I suppose you're right. What was I thinking? Fire can't follow a path of fuel to the source if the fuel is flowing out of the holding area. That's just stupid talk."
"Eh, don't worry about it. I've studied the schematics of enough BBQs to know what's safe." (Yes, he actually did say "schematics")
"Alright, as long as you know what you're doing, I guess all the power to ya, eh?"
"Exactly. Here's the raincheque, just call ahead to make sure we have them in stock."
"Ah, dankschen"
-quizzical look while I walk away-

Basically how it went. Well, I didn't get any Prime Rib tonight, but I did get a raincheque for later use.

Next item on the list was found at the Superstore. So many different kinds, which should I choose?
Crurly Fries, Crinkle Cuts, Straights, Shoestring, Thicks, Waffle Cuts, Wedges, Crispy...
There's always a question that every man has to ask himself when presented with this many options:
WWGD - What Would Google Do?
To solve this, I searched for relevant results to "Poutine + Fries."
Since I've never seen Curly Fries, Waffles, Wedges or Crinkles in a Poutine before, that left me with Straights, Shoestrings, Thicks and Crispy fries. Since the best Poutine is constructed with a certain ratio of Gravy:Cheese:Fries, I thought that I'd pick the lowest common denominator and go with the Crispy Fries, since nobody really likes soggy fries.
On my way out, I passed by the breads and saw there were muffins on sale. Double Chocolate Chip. The kind that my mamma used to pack in my lunch when I was in grade school.
Nostalgia won me over, and I noticed that they were $3.99/pack on sale from $6.99. Win.
Rushing to the check-out, the cute young girl runs my muffins through and I see the monitor shows them as $6.99.
"Uhh... the sign said the muffins were $3.99...?"
"If you buy six or more."
"But there's six in a pack, isn't there?"
"Uhhh...." -head es'plöd- "Wait, no... if buy six packs."
"You can't buy a six pack, silly... that's something you gotta work hard to get, and stay in top physical shape to maintain it!"
"Uhhh...." -head es'plöd again- "Wait, what? Haha"
"You were about to give me a sweet discount because I'm amazingly good looking and my charm won you over. Anything is possible because I smell like Old Spice and not a lady. I'm on a horse!" (Yes, I actually said that)
"..." -chuckle- "sure, whatever, haha"

As I walk out of there, muffins in one hand, fries and my HMV bag in the other, I notice that there's some writing on the back of the reciept I just got. I stop to look at it and there's a number.
A phone number, to be precise.
Proof that the Old Spice commercial actually does work.

I finally get home and I begin creating my feast of epicness. The first step is to get the "drippings" from fat, so I throw the lamb fat into a small pot and turn the heat up to melt the fat chunks.
It all goes well until the fat starts accumulating at the bottom and begins to actually deepfry the fat solids. Interesting.
After a bit, I pull the solids out of the fat and place them on a plate. Hmm... solid fat that's been deepfried in it's own fat... sounds tasty!

"No... he wouldn't..."

Yes, I did. And it was good. I suggest you try it.

Anyways, moving on... While the fat was nearing the end of its melting journey, I had to get the cheese prepared. And nothing says "Ghetto Gourmet" like taking No-Name processed Swiss slices and cutting them into thin strips instead of getting real cheese and grating it.
As soon as I finished that, I began to make the gravy. Turns out, I have no idea how to make gravy. The flour ended up getting deepfried in small ball shapes that just sank to the bottom of the pot. I tried adding some pepper for seasoning, and that just sank to the bottom as well. Even when I took a fork and tried whisking it up, the solids eventually just settled on the bottom.

Needless to say, the "gravy" was terrible. The cheese chunks didn't even melt because they were so processed, and the french fries were soggy from all the grease they were pre-cooked in.

Ya, failure was I in the kitchen that night.

-tk

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